Originally posted to deviantART
Journal entry Fri Apr 10, 2009, 7:21 PM
For anyone still watching out for me – it probably has not escaped your notice that I have been conspicuously absent and unproductive these past few years. Oh, I raise my head above the parapets once in a blue moon…but for all intents and purposes I was not really here.
I went through a time of great strife personally and professionally. I existed in a very real and intense hell for quite a long time. I was subject to no end of bullying and harassment at work and that situation took a toll on every aspect of my life, including my health. What they did to me – absolutely destroyed me.
Everything finally came to a head recently. I was forced by my previous employer to see the *company* doctor due to *too much* time off work – and the result was a diagnosis of clinical depression and irritable bowel syndrome. Of course, the minute the diagnosis came through and I was proven to not be neither a hypochondriac nor a liar I was *let go*.
Fine by me actually – because at least I finally understood why I was so tired and withrawn; why I had the ideas but never the energy or motivation to make things happen. Why it is that I withdrew and closed myself off from the world – and why it comes so easily. There were days where literally I just couldn’t leave the house. Just the idea of having to go to work filled me with fear… I worked long hours for no appreciation. I would spend all weekend sleeping, hiding myself away…
I was blocked creatively for a long time. So even though I was shouting *I AM BACK* or *IN THE SWING OF THINGS ONCE AGAIN* – the truth was that I wasn’t. I would start things and after five minutes they were abandoned. Or, I would sit in at the laptop wanting to do SOMETHING, but nothing would happen. Hours would pass and all there would be was anger, tears and frustration. Because I just couldn’t DO anything… nothing at all. And I was also at odds with myself and my environment online and off. There are a lot of things about my time here at dA that I wish I could change.
And until you’ve battled with that you have no idea what its like to not have control over how you feel and what you are capable of doing.
I am taking the little bit of money I have and am leaving London for Wales. I am setting up my own business… creative marketing services including Graphic & Web Design, Presentations, etc… Being in huge overpopulated areas like London and New York City area a problem for me now. I function much better in smaller, slower-paced environments. And Wales is perfect for me, but anyone who has followed me here might recall me talking about this years ago.
So, whilst some might look at losing the job as a bad thing, I dont. I think it just might be the making of me. I can now devote my energies to trying to make my long-dormant dreams come true. I can finally live my live for myself. I can live to work and not work to live. Im taking a risk, yes, but its a risk well worth taking in my book.
And I look to you, my fellow friends on dA for inspiration. SO many of you came here with just your ideas and the will to try because you were inspired and were willing to put yourself out there – and in no time you were mastering your art and creating beyond your wildest expectations. I know people here who literally had never done anything with Photoshop or illustrator or any other design programme before setting up an account, and now they produce work that I truly envy and admire and they are recognised for their achievements.
And that is what is motivating me.
Being tied to an 8-7 job means no time or energy for me. And emotionally and psychologically Im not up to doing battle over bs like so-and-so doesn’t like me and office politics and the cattiness that comes with certain types of people male and female. I am starting to discover who I am again. Starting to see something worthwhile in myself. Starting to understand that I’m going to struggle with this illness for the rest for the rest of my life, but that art and writing just might be my salvation.
And deviantArt is going to be an important part of it.
I know things arent going to be easy… but I finally feel like I am really ready do my best to be a part of this community and to better myself. Im going to savour the process – because the process is just as important as the end results. But I do finally feel like I am worthy of being here – and that I am ready.
I just need time… and the support of my friends and the community.
Thank you all and don’t be strangers.