Jul ’10: Recovering

Originally posted to deviantART

Jul 31, 2010, 11:20 PM

The Cheery News:

I am back now and catching up with the goings-on that I’ve missed whilst away. A Journal is coming with some observations.

I am now a contributor to Circle of Friends here on dA [link] a support group I was involved with as a Moderator for a long time when I first came here five years ago.

I’m looking forward to stretching my creative wings and upping my game creatively with digital painting and the finer intracies of complex photo manips. I am going to make mistakes along the way – but I am looking forward to discovering who I really am creatively.

The Blue News: Written in early May 2010 elsewhere, things have changed somewhat but this is still relevant

I moved down to Wales from London last April to start my business after losing my job. If someone had told me that within in a year I would have had two life threatening illnesses, major surgery to remove a previously undiagnosed baby-sized tumor and my womanly bits where I almost bled to death, contracted MRSA, become disabled due to osteoarthritis and degenerative bone disease in my spine and knees, faced potentially being homeless yet again and biologically clinically depressed and suicidal I would laughed my arse off at them!

My health was declining for a few years and I couldnt get any help. No one took me seriously and it took a toll. I was forced out of my job because it (and also because I dared to go to HR for help with my unsympathetic bullying boss and teammates) and yet rather than go on benefit straight away I took care of myself for a year off my own back. Now I need some help getting my life back together. Im playing by the rules and Ive been here for over 10 years. I could have turned tail and run back to the States – but this is my home (I dont even keep an address there or vote and will be giving up my American Citizenship) and as far as Im concerned Im having a temporary setback and willl be self sufficient once again. Ive got knee and spinal surgery coming up so more delays. My whole life has changed thanks to my disabilities and I have to learn new ways of doing very basic things andn live with pain and accept what scant help there is where I am used to being very independent and on the go. All I do is break down and cry at every health exam and work assessment. It’s not easy to deal with this stuff – and I take no pleasure in it.

I have no one to help me day-to-day and I am alone to deal with all this sh1t and have had a hard time getting certain things sorted out. My disabiltiies are so bad Im trapped in the house and cant even use public transport. At least the job centre seem willing to help me with working on being employed from home. Thank god I can do that at least. Once things went bad my *friends* were nowhere to be seen except for two who unfortunately don’t live near me or even within a reasonable travelling distance. I love the town I live in but can’t even enjoy a simple thing like walking down to the seafront. And now I’m fighting to keep a roof over my head on top of everything else. Not easy to do when you are alone.

All this on top of having my marriage go belly-up in not a good way, having the first redundancy right after (drama at home imterferred with work), being made homeless off the back of both of those things and saddled with 30K of debt the ex left me with besides clearing out my savings at the time. Being homeless in London was horrendous. I was lucky to find out about http://www.brickbybrick.org.uk and after pounding the pavement for weeks and with a bit af wrangling they were able to help. Unfortunately there is no one like them where i am now and they are quite unique as an organisation. That was a real blessing to me.

But my grandmother always said, no matter how bad you think you have it, there is always someone in the world much worse off than you who would gladly change places with you.

Going Forward:

Despite all this, I am blessed a fantastic group of online supporters both personally and professionally. I havent always had an easy time on dA, much like real life, but I would like to consider this a reboot of sorts and aim to start fresh. I still struggle with my mental and physical health, but slowly I am getting support. I have my first knee surgery soon and am due to see a spinal surgeon. Ive been on anti-depressants now for almost 5 months and IMO they are a godsend. I am about to be tested fir diabetes. I’ve got a fair way to go yet, but I hope to have the support of the dA community on this journey into the unknown. It’s actually quite a scary time – but as I said, I’m just grateful that things aren’t even worse. I know that the bone diseases are progressive and as they are genetic, I am under no illusion as to what the future holds for me in that regard.

The one thing I do know is that I need art (and music) like I need air to breathe. Without it I might as well be dead. Fact.

In parting:

Life is so precious. Things can change in an instant. Rather than worry about externals focus on what you truly need and all that life has to offer. I see people putting so much energy into negativity and obsessing over things that have nothing to do with them whether its someone else’s success, things that other people have etc, how people have accomplished this or that achievement… Imagine what could be achieved with that same energy focused positively and for personal growth. When you stay in that zone you hold yourself back as much as anyone else who gets caught up in it.


3 thoughts on “Jul ’10: Recovering

  1. Pingback: I still don’t want to live this life – the real world 2 months #afterESA - The Creative Crip

  2. Your story has to be the saddest I’ve heard in years. I find your courage laudable. Your strength in the face of what — to others — might very well have been devastating illnesses is admirable. I shall continue to read through the journals that you have posted sometime next week. As I arrive at a journal time that is closer to the present, I trust that you will have had successful surgeries and have triumphed — in the face of adversity. Bless you.

  3. Pingback: CreativeCrip Campaign for Free Money Day: Pay It Forward – Virtually! #CCFMD | The Creative Crip

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